Oh and another icy thing. The trouble with Farcelook is you see others having a better time than you’ll ever have. Now a point of reference; I was perusing my social feed when I happened upon a certain Matron & her daughter licking a couple chocolate cones of Mocking’s Diced Spleen. Behind them an appealing blue sky, sunshine & the wonderful vista of Instow Beach looking rather dapper. I thought, right then family we’re going to have some of that.
After a short journey, we arrived to witness a splendid sunlit beach, but exiting our charabanc proved a great disappointment. It was colder than a witch’s tit and the wind cut through us as if we were summiting K2. We decided quick get the Mocking’s and see if we can make it back to the car before Captain Scott asked where we were. We passed a car full of acrid smoke with an elderly couple dragging on woodbines reading the Daily Vile. We could only make out their eerie silhouettes and the odd glow of a cigarette end. Another car’s windows were white with aroused condensation, now and again a piece of naked skin hit the glass only to deny what part of anatomy it actually belonged to: bloody horny teenagers! The next car, a couple sleeping or perhaps recently diseased, another an Afghan hound licking Mocking’s out of its owner’s gaping mouth like some obscene come swap. Eventually we arrived at our destination, the almighty cream coloured diced spleen van. After quickly and rather rudely grabbing some waffle cones we decided not to set up base camp but to make a final dash back to our charabanc for safety. Out on the beach we could see dog sledges, odd large white furry animals, and a bloke staggering into the icy windblown sand wearing a furry parka and arctic clothing. Resigned he fell to the ground and we lost sight of him to the elements. Back at the car we quickly dived inside and locked the doors to the subzero.
We licked our Mocking’s Diced Spleens and listened to Sing Something Simple and then the Black & White Minstrel Show on the radio. After my wife surgically removed my frostbitten fingers and popped them into the ashtray I drove the hypothermic family back home to regroup.
Next time we’ll remember don’t visit Instow until July and then only those two weeks and don’t pay attention to pleasant & tempting posts on Farcelook. April 4th 2917 804 pm