Now here’s a few things…
Why is it you go to your toolbox for a flat headed screwdriver all you find is Posidrives or Phillips and vice versa? I think it’s referred to as the Law Of Sodding Annoyance which affects people of a certain age. This aforesaid Law considerably slowed down the changing of a Stanley knife and an opening of a paint tin today. It also affected my day in five uncertain ways!

1. We decided to paint our hallway & landing. Everything went well until we noticed that the water damage from a recent boiler malfunction kept seeping through the white emulsion paint. 36 coats later we still see the dark dribble marks and the ceiling is beginning to look like the stalactites on a Cheddar Cave roof. Damn, damn, damn it’s off to B & SODDING Q.

2. You are in the traffic at that wonderfully artistic Cornish Barnhenge when another car, full o spotty hoodies, pulls up beside you revving their bean tin 750cc engines with one foot diameter exhaust pipes. In my car, I know I can take them, oh I know I can take them for sure, but I let them go and pretend that it’s all for maturity and the benefit of my blood pressure. My twins quietly take the piss in the back of the car and I realise that I should have run the f’king spotty bastards off the road. That is for my children’s sake, of course!

3. Arrived at B&Q looking for watermark stain spray and cannot find anyone for advice because there is only 2.4 people working. Finally, a kind adviser helps me and I make my way to the check out. A bloke in a mobility scooter, that looks like it’s powered by two AAA batteries, is trying to pay. He cannot remember his pin number, and realises that there is no barcode on his purchase item. The co worker is sent to try and find the actual price…. 22 minutes later I pay for my item and F… THE RIGHT OFF!

4. Back at Barnhenge revving my car”s 2L engine, no one’s going to take me this time. Green light, sandal & sock to the floor and…. stall. A bloody old man with flat cowpat cap behind me is hooting at me and a sodding Smart Bra hums past me arrogantly into first place it takes the chequered flag!

5. Finally, I return home a broken interior decorator. My wife paints away the stains of my middle age despair and I’m left weeping on the chaise in the front room like a hormonal Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen. Happy Holidays!
Oh a footnote just looking at Channel 4 adverts. Is it me or is Nicki Menaj’s bottom unfeasibly large?
March 2nd 2917 1153 pm