May 3rd 2018 8:56 pm

Henri Robert Marcel Duchamp your urinal changed art forever! Now I haven’t ranted for a while so gird your loins, deeps breaths and here goes! The topic of tonight’s sermon and discussion is Wetherspoons lavatories! I’m having a meal n a beer, like you do and decide that perhaps it’s time to evacuate my bladder of excessive beer induced urine. I wander up to said lavatory and gently urinate into, oddly enough, a porcelain urinal with a signature on the side saying R. Mutt 1917. This urinal has a weird green, holey, plastic mat in the bottom that’s supposed to eliminate the stench of an impending bacterial bloc party whilst at the same time saving valuable water. Well nope it doesn’t. I wee with the acrid stench of rotting piss, smeg & groin BO permeating my nasal turbinates. But I endure to see practically every bloke leave that lavatory without washing their grubby smeg smeared hands. I came to this decision because if you can’t be bothered to wash your hands after urinating you’re hardly going to pull your foreskin back and wash it when you shower, it’s the person’s lazy attitude that determines this! Also, at my age it takes a little while to achieve complete micturition so I’ve observed two or three hundred blokes behaviour in one standing. I digress, I finish, then wash my hands and attempt to leave. The trouble is the two exshit doors have pull handles so how do I escape without contaminating my clean hands? Quite a dilemma! I can see smegma, urine and perhaps dried sperm on said handles so what to do? I try opening it with my foot. With my knee, even with my big nose. Then, to my relief, someone comes in and I make a break for it like a perverted cottager escaping the scene of an anal crime! The bloke entering the bog reaches out as if trying to catch a bag snatcher, but he misses me. I then gently jog down over the stairs expecting shouts of arrest that man or floor the pervert. I join my wife to continue my meal with a new found uneasiness. Will the dirty fingered blokes from the stenchy bog try and search me out? I did like the varied and thematic colours of the durex machines by the way, almost contraceptual art! Dada!