March 16th 2018 5:21 pm

Went to a rather busy Wetherspoon’s for lunch with my dearest and had the usual, sad to say the staff have us on speed dial and check out was done in 1.234 seconds. We retired to a rather posh booth with a luxurious iPhone charging point and dimmer switch. A few people came in and in their wildest dreams thought that we might be leaving so they took up temporary base camps close by in advantageous sprinting positions. Someone asked, ‘Are you going yet, if so could you please piss off soon?’
We decided to leave, got up and walked a step, and as forty people jostled into position, we sat down again pretending to play on our iPhones. Mayhem ensued like some weird rugby scrum down. With a smile we finally rose and two Polish girls laughed, got the joke and slipped into a warm booth for lunch.
We then visited Cex to peruse their DVDs, whilst we did so we were assaulted with 250 db of lumpy bumpy music of some Russian thrash metal bonanza. With bleeding eyes and ears we decided to leave before we both died. Please don’t judge us for our next point of call.
We decided for tonight, let’s go to Iceland, get some cream, strawberries, raspberries and take out a small loan for some meringues from Warrens. After a four hour flight we selected said ingredients and were faced with the usual 300 people in a single queue staring at one checkout person. But wait things are looking up, there is a family who’s gene-pool is spectacular and I decided to observe, in a professional capacity of course. My wife decided I was staring far too much with my mouth far too open so after a subtle kick in the ankle was dispatched to Warrens for the meringues. Gutted, I did as I was told and was given two free iced Danish cakes for my trouble with which the twins will benefit. Aghhhhh what is my life coming toooo?