January 18th 2018 9:45pm

I know I’ve not ranted in a while but just another thing, updates or rather cryptodowngrades!
Recently my iPhone and laptop have come up with the usual, updates ready for your pleasure. No, it’s just Microsoft and Apple sodding well slowing down your devices, and that’s been proven to be true. I denied the Apple iPhone update with a knowing snigger. The bloody phone then bullies me into having to log on using my 200-digit access code every time I want to call someone. What’s the matter with my greasy thumb print? For two weeks this game of chicken continues until I accidentally press the wrong button, damn it, and there it goes updating away like a sodding smug teenager. Eventually the update finishes, my iPhone is now out of date, my children have grown up, left home and I find myself in an old people’s home dribbling into my pureed lunch. I press the thumb button it lights up and, well that’s it, it just lights up an I piss my pants.
The same with my laptop. I refrain from turning it off, instead I just close the lid delicately like defusing a WW2 bomb hoping that the Windows update will just go away, it doesn’t. When I log on it says in optimistic typeface, hi there welcome to your new Windows Experience. Bollocks got me! Just like those suited gentlemen who try and introduce you to the Mormon faith, the Lighthouse Magazine or Betterwear kitchen products. Yep my favourite homepage of the Royal Family has gone and instead shows a lurid Windows logo. Thanks, you twatz! The new Windows update has slowed down my laptop, rearranged my files and now every time I try and open something, I’m forced to enter my 200-digit access code. It’s great, I’ve now a 3D editor I didn’t want, an American Amtrak update railroad timetable folder and a fast track dildo ordering service. If I want updates, I’ll ask for them you pushy fat interrupting b’stards. Who are you to say what I want on my personal media devices. Leave me to my Windows basic package that should last a lifetime and forget slowing down my laptop so that it performs slower that a piece of chalk and slate. Piss off updates! Piss off corporate America! Piss off you pubescent computer freaks! Piss off marital aid updates! Then last but not least I slowly type… Piss off Apple & Microsoft!