Well I suppose it’s official now! We decided to go and see Rocketman and whilst purchasing the tickets my darling wife noticed that I was actually classed by Scott Cinema’s as a Senior Citizen, that is a person over the age of 60. Get this; instead of paying £7.25 for Standard & £9.00 for Pullman Seats, I could actually get them for £5.20 for Standard & £6.90 for Pullman Seats. Wait a minute: the girl at the kiosk didn’t even bat an eyelid! Surely she should have questioned why such a young looking man would try and pull a fast one? Well I suppose it’s official now £5.20 it is then!
Took my son to see Dunkirk this afternoon so before we entered screen 2 we purchased a box of crisps, a slush puppy made from nuclear waste and a bottle of cider. We were going to include some choccies but after a quick phone call to my bank manager he informed me that for safety sake my overdraft had been capped. My eager son wanted to sit in the front row so there we were watching 45 minutes of vacuous adverts most of them leaning toward the Dinning at the sign of the Ginger Clown. Finally, my son woke me up and the film started, I took two sips of cider and decided to savour it throughout the film. The action started and soon sea scenes and aerial dogfights were abound. In a Spitfire pilot’s headset you could clearly hear Michael Caine shouting, ‘I told you just to blow the bloody doors off.’ Slowly but oddly I began to feel quite nauseous. I could feel sweat running down my back and my head began to spin. I looked at the cider and thought perhaps it was an odd batch. My nausea became worse and I became concerned that I was going to vomit. I closed my eyes and then it became apparent; I was suffering from terminal motion sickness. I was suffering a symbiosis of air and sea sickness. My son and I dived for cover and crept up to the back seats as if hiding from a Jerry sniper……my sickness became less and we watched quite a mediocre film, which had no story line just a series of tense escape episodes backed by an annoying siren sounding orchestration. Thankfully this all ended with that wonderful Churchill speech being used to cringe-worthy sentimental effect, ‘We will fight them on the’ …… whilst a cardboard Spitfire burned and the Enigma Variations played. Complete and utter dross! I much prefer, and highly recommend, the far superior 1958 version with Richard Attenborough! With a pallid complexion we left and I discarded a full bottle of cider into the bin of cinematic disappointments.
Just a footnote 338.226 soldiers were evacuated from the Dunkirk beaches in eight days in the film it appeared to be about 200. These film extras were rescued by eight leisure craft and two naval vessels which should have been over 800. Poor show from the CGI department I think!
Another thing:- Decided to play a DVD and in the machine it goes like a reluctant letter. Then instead of going straight to the main menu it starts with 32 adverts for other films I have no interest in viewing. Ten minutes I actually get to the main menu and I start the film, by the way I would have clicked through these but that option was denied with a sinister red OPTION DENIED symbol. The film starts with a cornucopia of different companies who were apparently involved in the making. Touchstone then New Line Cinema then Pixar then Warner Bros then Miramax and Dreamworks. Blimey there’s more companies than cast members. It’s a bit like the trial by combat of going to the cinema. They tell you to arrive and the film starts at 19:30 but no! Dada dada dada d’da da da da dada dada dada aaaaoooaaagh ah! Sodding Pearl & Dean adverts for 45 minutes. Then the lights come up you purchase a cardboard tub o ice cream and a Kia-Ora, finally the lights go down and the main feature starts. Nope they start with adverts for up and coming newly released movies! Once the main feature does actually start you want a piss and you miss half the film trying to find the men’s room like Peters & Lee searching for a blackboard in a coal cellar! All I want to do is watch a film not waste half my remaining life experiencing banal and vacuous advertising. Let your dreams run wild in an exciting, welcoming, enchanting, friendly and aromatic restaurant close to this very cinema. Yes the Taj Mahal in Boutport St all advertised with the sound of an out of tune sitar. Or, do you want to be trendy at the discotheque? Do you want to look your best dancing to the latest combos from the hit parade, wearing the latest London fashions? Then why not visit The Baron in Holland Walk etc etc etc. I only ever wanted was to JUST watch a sodding film!
Liar Liar rants on fire! 