Well it’s time for another plant, ooops rant! Why is it that when you water your garden plants they just sit there in the soil looking bored to death. they cross their legs and wrinkle their leaves with indifference. They think, yeah thanks a lot for nothing, if you expect me to grow think again Monty Bong! Today it rained, the bloody ungrateful things were bouncing around the garden like Triffids with nymphomania! Blimey I swear they all grew about three inches. Now having dinner I can hear them in the garden having horticultural orgasms and blowing raspberries at me through the patio doors. Damn them to the compost hell, the green recycling bin awaits your doom! April 24th 2019 7:20 pm
Well, with gin & tonics in hand, we took up our seats for tonight’s hogwatch. Out came our hedgehog and ate the usual offerings and drank some water. Then to our surprise another bigger hog came into the garden and proceeded to circle ours. Our hog made very loud snorting sounds and kept her tail end away from the circling visitor. The noise was quite shocking but there was no aggression between them. Eventually Randy Hog gave up and helped himself to the free insect & biscuit buffet. Then after a while he returned to circling and the asthmatic snorting continued. We decided that this was going to be quite a drawn out affair so we left them to it. Well with this prickly passion going on in out back garden one thing’s for sure, both of them are going to have quite a few pricks tonight! June 29th 2018 12:14 am
Well back on the decking listening to our noisy Pornohogs! This is brilliant our backyard has become a dogging site for every filthy local hedgehog! Every night they’re turning up for a buffet & bonk yet they show no gratitude at all damn them! June 30th 2018 11:31 pm
Last weekend I nervously entered my local temple to couch potatoism and teenage acne called CeX, pronounced SEX. I went to this cut price establishment to peruse and thumb through their cheap and pre-viewed DVDs hoping to find South Pacific or My Fair Lady. Once across the skull printed threshold I came across a queue of wide eyed parents reluctantly grasping computer games trying to keep their fat unsociable children from selfishly imploding. The music bad been cleverly chosen by the body pierced and tattooed shop staff to enhance the utter misery of said parents. This beat music had been produced by with-it combos currently popular in the hit parade; their songs being so heavy that it made System Of A Down, SOAD to their fans, sound like Max Bygraves singing Pack Of Cards on the Val Doonican Show. I’m not too sure what the song was but it sounded as if someone had turned their Marshall amp up to eleven and kicked the shit out of a Les Paul whilst growling into a malfunctioning mic. In fact just like a banshee with a recycling bin on his head. As this noise of thrash death metal permeated the shop I tried to peruse the DVDs, eventually my ears and nose began to bleed so much that in fear of an impending blood transfusion I decided to leave. Exiting I noticed that two parents had died of terminal despair, their bodies were left where they lay by their children who were now continuing with the purchase of the latest Grand Theft Autopsy. On leaving I said to one five-year-old, ‘Isn’t computer games ruining your life sonny?’ He replied with a smile, ‘I’m not worried I’ve got another two lives left mate!’ I asked another kid why don’t you go outside and play? She replied, ‘I did once but the graphics were rubbish so I went back inside!’ CeX eh!
Quite a thing happened in my subconscious the other day and I thought I’d share it with you. I had decided to have a shave. I know, comments about lack of professionalism and all that, besides I hate stubbly legs. I ventured into the bathroom and opened the cupboard to search for my twenty blade, macho safety shaver. At the back of the dark cupboard was a treasure to behold. A bar of Imperial Leather soap. In recent years I’ve had to bathe with aromatic bars of soap sold to me by the wonderfully tattooed ladies in Lush oozing sex n youth. Orange & Patchouli soap smelling like a hippy rock star’s flatulence, that’s Karma for you. I can see him through the steam of the bath water; a vision singing in ripped and stripped bell bottom jeans. With stained jeans flapping he tottered around a stage in a pair of platform shoes. Wonderful shoes with hand painted silver stars; one of the shoes had a broken zip. That stage in Bethel certainly had a lot to answer to; with a little help from his friends. Now I’ve always had this thing of washing that sharp logo out of a new bar of soap. So I decided to have a bath instead. Slowly I eased into a hot bath and after fine tuning the temperature with my toes began to wash the logo out of the soap. Now with Imperial Leather it has a rather clever label. It resembles a Russian flag of some sort from a bygone era. No matter how hard you wash it stays firmly affixed to the soap. Not even Albert Einstein could figure out how it stays on. Eventually it takes on a rather odd shape, a kyphotic hunchback with a sticker. Through the steam I spotted something in the water. A Russian flag came floating towards me. My heart sank as I lifted the flesh coloured bar out of the water only to see a naked block of soap. Lifting the label out of the water I affixed it to a white bathroom tile. I stared at the lifeless flag until the surrounding light turned to black and realised that things are certainly not what they used to be.
I was Having a drink at Starfucks coffee shop in Exeter when on leaving I decided to have a quick wee as the cold air would surely shrink my kidneys. I queued as there was only one toilet available and chatted nervously to a stunningly beautiful girl, so blonde and so unattainable. I felt like an old decrepit hermit as I chatted to her and could see in her eye that she had already clocked me as an ageing sex-pest! Finally it was her turn for the bog. Miss World was in there for ages and finally she came out rather hastily, made NO eye contact and left like an escaping bank robber. I entered the toilet to be met with a bowl full of chocolate scatt and the smell of Beelzebubs backside! I gagged, peed and of course, Sod’s Law, the flush had broken. After washing my hands I dried them under a blower less powerful than a dying man’s last breath and exited. I was immediately met by two startled women on crutches who retched, gagged and almost toppled over. I didn’t make eye contact but said apologetically, ‘All I had was a wee, honest!’ Damn Miss World and damn her rancid ass! As a footnote I did see these two ladies later chatting to a Police Support Officer who was avidly taking crap notes. For the rest of the day I had to dart between dark doorways to keep from being falsely arrested for running defecation violations!
Now here’s a thing, has anyone had the pleasure of travelling on our local train to Exeter during a school holiday? 08:40 train departs with hardly any space on board although we did actually have a seat each, what a turn up for the books. Now coming back at 15:20 from Exeter Central. The train arrives with just two coaches and the station looks like a Burma Railway in the monsoon. The doors opens to an already packed train. Buggies n people all cram into the door just to get a seat. People trying to get off saying, ‘EXCUSE ME IS THERE ANY CHANCE OF GETTING OFF!’ Eventually they get off and we get on. The carriage is cram-packed and we have to stand up. We arrive at Exeter St Davids and there is about the same amount of people waiting to get on as there is on this pitifully inadequate service. The conductor shouts in and says most will have to get off and make there way to a string of knackered coaches, which will splutter their way to Barnstaple. ETA 18:00. Luckily we manage to stay on. On the way back there is a woman who insists on complaining about all of us standing, saying we all should have been made to get off, piss off you selfish old bag! Another woman with two children are in a bay of four seats and won’t let an elderly lady sit down, just because she feels uncomfortable. I sort the problem out, but if you use PUBLIC TRANSPORT then you, at some point, will have to sit beside someone you don’t know! If you don’t like your fellow man then drive a car to Exeter or just jump off a f..king railway bridge! I would like to say that this is a one off. But it bloody isn’t! On a regular basis I take the train for the Friday or Saturday shopping only to have a pathetically inadequate number of coaches available. All i’m saying is it isn’t rocket science to actually get the ratio of customers to coaches right. Again it’s the bloody service staff shrugging their shoulders and raising their eyebrows, saying you need to complain to the central offices who have no direct line and are incompetent anonymous idiots! Oh and to cap it all the toilet was full of crap from the half term Costa Coffee Kids and someone had rancid perfume on. Quite enjoyed the trip though. October 28th 2015 7:03 pm
Been to Exeter today on the train shopping. I went into Hollister and purchased some rather natty looking shorts. There policy If you’re a stinking minger they won’t get employed. Here the sales assistants there were toooo good looking. I was ushered to a changing room by a young, tanned, thin, beautiful girl who easily could have been a model. Even though it’s as dark as a nightclub in there next time I go I’ll wear a bag over my head! For them it must have been like selling an incontinent pensioner a bloody luminous lime green mankini! August 19th 2013 8:00 pm
Well it’s rained all day in Exeter. When I say rain, what I really mean is that the whole of the Atlantic Ocean dropped on sodding Exeter today. I know what we’ll do children why don’t we visit our favourite shops. Wrong! They’re closed. I know let’s spend some time in the RAMM. Wrong! It’s closed on Mondays, even though it’s the summer holidays. Out side were loads of drenched families thinking WTF! WTF! Even their 2 year olds in pushchairs were spitting out their dummies and shouting WTF! Time to leave on the train. Thankfully we’re first on and as usual only two carriages for 3.000 holiday shoppers. Some are sitting on the roof the rest are being ferried back to Barnie in a steam powered charabanc! Oh on leaving Exeter Central I had a quick wee and now have the rancid tang of odourcolon in my nostrils! Believe me that’s quite upsetting when you have a nose the size of mine! 😁 Even with the hassles a 9/10 day! August 1st 2016 3:41 pm
Looking back on this we didn’t have a clue about what would eventually happen! We now live in a country split, on the eve of leaving the EU with Boris at the helm! And it’s 1 2 3 what are we fighting for? Don’t ask me I don’t give a damn ….
May 20th 2016 10:45 pm
A chat in the local pub tonight (Reform Inn Pilton) about whether to leave the EU or Stay! Isn’t it appalling that no one has received enough unbiased information with which to make an informed decision. Everyone is pushing their own selfish agendas. Oh what will happen to my shares? What will happen to my multi-million pound companies? Then recently; oh if we leave the EEEEOH our arts and creativity will be lost forever because of the massive loss of EU grants given to the top 0.000001% of performing artists! What about the thousands upon thousands of local artists that have never had a sniff of dosh from Brussels? Why haven’t we been given an unbiased leaflet through the post by all parties laying the pros & cons on the line. No; all we’ve been given is that ass wiping material which cost millions from the sodding Tory party. As usual you might as well throw a shiny sixpence in the air and shout head or tails. Our government and media have, as usual, furnished us with a massive disservice! A very important decision to be made and we’re fed sodding peanuts of information. We might as well be monkeys trying to rewrite the manuscript of War & Peace with purple marker pens!
Another thing, It’s on the eve of my annual Glastobash and there’s the EU Referendum coming towards us like out of control Aardvark on a motorway. I’ve already postal voted but the whole thing could have been much, much better. Our Government, as a whole, have furnished us all with such a disservice they should be totally ashamed. They’ve lied, frightened and misinformed us. They’ve pursued their own financial ends, careers and are using it as obscene political one-upmanship. The debate, in my mind, has become sadly polarised. If you’re an INNER you’re branded as a coward who’s protecting your own selfish pocket and lifestyle. If you’re an OUTER then you’re a Nationalistic Racist who believes that you still have a viable British Empire, Britannia Rules The Waves whilst perpetually quoting, ‘We won the 1966 World Cup Final!’ Don’t get caught up with the ideals each politician is pretending to convey. Don’t be swayed to choose one side of the debate just because the opposing Politician’s ideas are downright idiotic and obnoxious. In my mind the whole bloody lot of them are NOXIOUS! As I’ve said before the Government, as a whole, have let us as a Nation down in our hour of informational need. Through their incompetence the EU coin has been thrown high into the air. Where it lands will be anybody’s guess! When you vote forget the dogma, misinformation and those dubious political personalities, vote with your own conscience and heart. The rest is all political smoke and mirrors! June 20th 2016 8:45 pm
Well I suppose it’s official now! We decided to go and see Rocketman and whilst purchasing the tickets my darling wife noticed that I was actually classed by Scott Cinema’s as a Senior Citizen, that is a person over the age of 60. Get this; instead of paying £7.25 for Standard & £9.00 for Pullman Seats, I could actually get them for £5.20 for Standard & £6.90 for Pullman Seats. Wait a minute: the girl at the kiosk didn’t even bat an eyelid! Surely she should have questioned why such a young looking man would try and pull a fast one? Well I suppose it’s official now £5.20 it is then!
Another thing, Had the day off and decided to take A&A swimming. How many people today barged into me whilst avidly gazing into their iPhones? Walking down the High Street seemed like pushing against an eternal eZombie tide. Drooling, hollow eyed teenagers with the deathly glow of their iPhones illuminating their eerie features. As each eZombie walked into me they looked into my eyes as if it was my fault. The usual spottage of sticky chewing gum on high street pavements has been replaced with glistening lines of eZombie drool akin to garden slug trails. This leads seamlessly on into a second thought. When walking through a pedestrianised area do you undertake a road traffic style of etiquette or just walk in any direction as you retail therapist wishes? I walk in the main stream traffic through the High Street and retailers just walk out of shops straight across my path. Always cutting me up rushing toward their nearest bargain! If they were driving a car it would be an RTA in the waiting surely. No one just pulls out of a side turning into traffic, do they? I advocate using the Highway Code in pedestrian precincts as well. Saves all those people walking across your path stopping you and making you change direction and all.
Another Thing, We’re in Bude and decide now lets have a quick snack, I know lets have a Cornish Pasty. Wrong they now cost £4.50 each. For the family that’s 18 blinking quid! The baker’s wife stands on the shop step saying, I don’t quite know why trade is falling off…is it the weather? So many people used to visit Bude perhaps we need a Lottery Grant. No just don’t rip off holiday makers, ask a fair price and who knows perhaps they may visit and purchase another pasty in the future. £18 is a lot of money for a family to spend on a passing snack! I was in Barnstaple during the week with my daughter she wanted a Warren’s pasty, guess how much it was? I think it was £2.20. It was half the size of the ones I recall but more than twice the price. It was so hot and super heated she won’t be able to eat it until next week! Meanwhile we’ll keep it in our fireplace and heat the house for a week! Another thing three times today we’ve had tea and each time they bring out the beverage in these incompetent stainless steel jugs. They’ve no real spout and when you pour it dribbles like an incontinent yak! Who designed these items? Did they try out a prototype of some kind? Well Coruthers how did the jug trial go? Well it dribbled all over the place Sir we’ll have to make adjustments to the non existent spout. Mmmm problem Coruthers, we’ve already made 10.000.000 of them we’ll just have to go with it now! Ever since motorway service stations have soaking wet tables due to this totally idiotic and useless item. A personal message to all the salesman who promote this crappy product; I’d like you to blow your useless brains all over your incontinent dog’s kennel.
May 14th 2016 11:47 pm there seems to be a trend of design critique appearing below!
Now here’s a thing, how many times have your stopped in a motorway service station or café and ordered a cup o tea? They serve up the beverage in stainless steel teapots and jugs just like this. You then find that it’s totally impossible to pour the contents properly without dribbling or spilling it all over the table. Yet another pathetic design flaw! How many years have they been manufacturing these incompetent pouring receptacles? Perhaps the prototypes were never tested? Or perhaps the designers had already committed the manufacturers to large production runs and thought, f..k it just let it go! Anyway, how do such shite designs continue to be used? Thank you Red Barn for yet another dribbling teapot and 13.7% of my tea lost to the saucer and table top!
The Belgian academic, Professor Jean-Marc Vanden-Broeck, of the University of East Anglia has spent 20 years specialising in fluid flows, spent a month studying “The Teapot Effect“. If you want to see why these useless pots exist please read this http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/227572.stm
Liar Liar rants on fire! 