March 3rd 2018 7:58 pm

GREEN!:- On holiday this week and after day two my wife mentions how lucky I’ve been to escape a cold this year. That flu jab really works she says. Half an hour after saying this I sneeze then cough, within an hour I feel like I’ve been driven over by two Sainsbury’s lorries who’s drivers are playing Candy Crush on their mobile phones. Three days of wasps up my nose, sneezing and streaming blurred eyes I’ve developed an urging, hacking cough better that any seal lion or dog; irritating bronchitis has been the outcome! Now this morning my lungs could take it no longer I had to get out of bed early and come downstairs to barf a lung up in the kitchen. First spasmodic coughing fit produced an lump of green the size of poached egg. With streaming eyes I had a sip of water only to have another attack of productive barking, with a massive cough I spotted, just as my eyes closed, another lump of green shoot out across the kitchen. For the next half an hour I desperately searched for the said green, this was somewhat reminiscent of that scene in the film Something About Mary. Aching back muscles and streaming eyes didn’t help my desperate almost forensic search. I hunted through the dishes on the draining board, the curtains, the extractor fan, even under the cooker on my hand and knees like some blind beggar…no green! I eventually had to give up and with growing concern decided to have a hot bath to ease my plague ridden body. I ran the taps and got ready to dip into the inviting warm water. Then to my utter relief what did I see hanging off the back of my little finger, yes the missing lump of sticky green. After washing my hands I relaxed into a warm bath with the reassuring feeling that no one in my family would find my missing expectorate dangling off their breakfast plate!